This is an anonymous post from a survivor of domestic violence and abuse.
We find ourselves in an abusive relationship out of our love for the other person. I find this more common for women because of our nurturing and motherly instincts. In general, we want to hope for the best and see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we often allow that “fantasy” to allow us to overlook the obvious. I’ve found that in myself. I have oftentimes allowed my boundaries to be crossed one too many times and truthfully that enabled my significant other to continue.
My boundary was crossed when I was given the ultimatum to give up my house and move with him to another town in the area. I had bought the house before I had ever met him. It was a “leave with me or don’t leave with me. We need a fresh start.” When I was given this decision, he wanted an answer right then and now. I made the excuse of his son wasn’t doing well in school and starting would not be beneficial, so we should do it during the summer. This compromise was acceptable, and it allowed me some time.
Within that timeframe, things went downhill when his son tried to commit suicide at school. At that time, the school contacted him while he was traveling to a job site. He contacted me to pick up his son. When we returned home and contacted him, I asked him if he was coming home in which he replied that he would but only after he went to a job site. Meanwhile, I’m hearing from my mother-in-law on how upset he was. Since that time, he did not hold his promises with his son, me, his son’s biological mom, or himself.
As another scenario, there was a rifle that he had leaned against the dining table chair and it managed to get covered up by jackets since it was early Spring. When I sat at the table, I felt something land on me. When I looked down, I was looking down the barrel. His was reaction was it was my fault for it happening because I wasn’t looking where I was going. This was also said in front of his son. This turned into an argument after lunch when his son wasn’t around. Of course, name calling ensued and how it was my fault, how I was acting like a child and how I was reacting for attention. He knew better. This event solidified my plans to leave as he was simply reinforcing what I was planning.
And since the ultimatum was given to me, I was planning and executing my exit.
Here’s what I did:
- I found a job. Thankfully not just any, one that I am currently with and enjoy. One that is giving me the opportunity to grow professionally and push me.
- I am not under the same stress. Stress as in walking on eggshells.
- Not living in a fantasy that he may change.
- Living for myself, which should have happened regardless if I was married or not.
- All of the things that he said could not be done, are getting done or are in the works.
Now I will tell you, it wasn’t an easy or an overnight decision. Luckily, we did not have children together and made the decision to leave easier.
I’m not saying that everything is better now. I do have rough patches.
- Financially having one income isn’t easy and I have to be mindful of what I spend, but I have a roommate and do other side gigs that help.
- I know that I am over the loss and grief of it, because once I had made up my mind I don’t dwell on the past relationship.
- I am dating and not being cold in the emotional department.
- To help move forward I joined a weekly bible study. I’m not religious, but I use it as my therapy as I use the stories to help relate to what I am going through.
- A friend of mine introduced me to one of their friends started a Domestic Violence Group. This helps me to hear what other women have gone through, their achievements, and help to inspire and support others.
I’m not going to say that everything was bad, there were good times, but those were in the beginning of the marriage and dating. I’m not going to delve in the specifics of that time nor in the negatives either other than what I have already shared.
After we had the conversation of divorce, we still lived together for a few months. Was it hard? Of course it was, but I’m not going to lie it was exhilarating for me to know that he was watching me be free while he was coping.
I wasn’t flaunting anything in his face, but I was off experiencing life and doing things. Yes, I wasn’t at home like before, but who would. I wasn’t being the glorified babysitter that he got to sleep with and took care of his son. It was great not having to do things just because we were married. It was awesome with his mind wondering what I was doing when I had plans to go to the lake for the weekend.
At the end of it all, I know that I made the correct decision. I’m simply in a better place overall.
If you have been through abuse or domestic violence and want to share your story please click here.
If you are in an abusive relationship and need help please visit https://www.thehotline.org/ you deserve to be treated with love and respect. There are resources out there to help you if you’re in an abusive situation. Read that line again, you deserve to be treated with love and respect.
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Thank you for sharing your story! You are so brave! Sounds like you are on your way to health and healing!